being a 23 yo female in today’s India

Allow me to be vulnerable here. I have cried myself to sleep for the past few days. I wake up tired every morning and my parents look at me all worried. I haven’t figured out a way to tell them, that hope at this juncture feels like a rare treasure. By the time I am writing this, I have tried all the proven hacks to control my anxiety. Sad to inform you, nothing has worked out.

The last few days, have not only been hard on us Indians because we are losing loved ones; right, left and center but also because we are imminently scared. With the media’s continuous influx of information and daily increase in cases and the political goons, trying to quiet us; we are scared of what the future might look like. Being a 23-year-old female, all I see is darkness. Every day feels like the infamous episode Rains of Castamere from Game of Thrones. The health structure of my country is breaking apart as if it were some house of cards being blown away. The political goons are cracking upon us and asking us to act as if nothing is wrong. I am aggrieved and devastated because the Chief Minister of a state chose to say this today- people who are dead, are dead, we can not bring them back. On the other hand, another “people elected leader” chooses to take away people’s properties if they “dissent in a democracy”. In Uttar Pradesh, a man got arrested for seeking help from Twitter to source oxygen.

You can call this democracy, I call it anarchy.

Every time I open Twitter to stay updated with global and Indian politics, I see a big queue of tweets, screaming for help. The last time our Pradhan Sevak ( as he chooses to call himself), came upon our television screens, he had no plan of action or reassurance. But he did have a plan of resurrection. I am beyond angry today because while, I sat in my room, under self-imposed isolation, these very leaders were flouting rules. These men, who are so hungry for their power, chose to risk so many lives, all for power. As a 23-year-old, while I was supposed to be out in the open, learning about life through experiences, I sit in my room every day thinking if this is what apocalypse looks like. I checked up on someone close to me in New Delhi (where the cases have been skyrocketing) today morning, and all she said was- “I am sitting scared in my room waiting for it to hit me because there is no running away from this.”

My social platforms are filled with obituaries for people who were either my age or younger than me. I never knew I’d ever see something so painful in my lifetime. I have no idea of how families are coping up where they can’t hug their loved ones for one last time. I have no idea how we are being resilient. As a 23-year-old, I am disappointed in the system that was meant for protecting individuals like me. I don’t know who to believe in anymore, because if God existed, this wouldn’t be the state of the world today. At this juncture, I have a constant battle in my head between faith and practical action to the problem.

How can you tell a 5-year-old to have faith when she just lost both her parents to a contagion, she can’t see or touch? How do you assure her that a (Westphalia) system that was curated a thousand years ago to protect her has failed her today?

As a woman, in my country where activists like Disha Ravi have been imprisoned without any due diligence, just because they were dissenting, it’s harder to breathe more than ever. As a woman, staying in my house with my family, even though I am so privileged and grateful to have them by my side; is tiring. As women, we are expected to juggle all the roles and to complete perfection. Staying at home for more than a year now has changed a lot of perspectives. The foremost is becoming an ambivert from an extrovert. Even though there are silver linings, it’s not enough for the opportunity cost.

But this is what you already know. If you are sitting in some other country reading this, let me tell you, we do not know whom to ask for help. As a kid, I remember being taught, God helps those, those who help themselves. And at this very point, I feel the Gods are unavailable to comment. If you are reading this, help us out as fellow citizens of the global world in whatever capacity you can. If you are reading this, and still have your faith intact, say a little prayer for us.

tonight I’ll be thinking of how the lyric in the song Hotel California said- “ We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.”

-a scared Indian